The last great Summer
by livelovelaugh91
Summary: Eli's dead after one last great summer full of fun and adventure with his bestfreind and his girlfriend. How will his survivors Clare and Adam cope? Flashbacks and ECLARE Mature for sex and language.
1. Chapter 1

**So, in this story Eli and Clare are a bit out of character but it's nothing too too extreme. The bulk of the story will be a flashback. I just wanted to give you a heads up. Oh and please review me to tell me what you thought or if you have and questions or concerns. I hope you enjoy =)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi =(**

Clare

_I stood at the cemetery beside Cece. I forgot my damn tissues. Tears were streaming down my face and onto the dirt that would be placed on top of Eli's coffin. Cece handed me one of the spare handkerchiefs she had and she grabbed me hand, squeezing it tight as they lowered him into the ground. I can't believe he's gone, I can't believe he's dead. He died of a brain aneurysm. The ceremony was over and people started to walk away. I was stuck there though. Something wouldn't let me move. It's like my feed had grown roots in that space. I think I half expected Eli to get out and say "just joking!" I know that wouldn't happen though. He's been embalmed… There's no possibility he will ever get out of that grave again. Cece and Bullfrog hugged me before getting back into the family car to go to their house. All that was left were Adam and I. We stood there like two lost baby ducks longing for a leader. What would become of us now that Eli is gone? We hugged each other and then we walked out of the cemetery and into the taxi we went in half to rent._

_ We had the cabbie take us to the Goldsworthy residence. There weren't many guests there. Cece and Bullfrog had asked that they not come over today, but Adam and I were invited. We ate lunch with them… Cece made the chicken I always loved to eat when I would eat with them and Eli, but I wasn't in the mood for food. _

"_Clare and Adam… Would you clean out Eli's room?"_

"_Are you sure you want us to?"_

"_Yes. I would but… I just think he would want you guys to do it."_

"_Okay."_

_ With their permission Adam and I went upstairs and to the room where I spent most of my days this summer. I put in the combination and the lock came off. Adam and I ventured into the room and my head started to spin. It still smelled like him. His bed was still messy because he never makes it. There was even a half eaten apple and half drunken coke on his night stand. At this time a week ago we were lying in that bed and talking about a future together. It's funny how even one day can change everything._

_ Adam started in his closet and I started in his drawers. There was one drawer full of papers and journals with pictures and other little mementos. This must be his memory drawer. There were concert tickets and even that earring we both got together. We decided to take them out a few months later though. There were pictures of me and pictures of Julia. I went into Eli's closet and I got a shoebox. I took all of the mementos and pictures, notes and journals and I put them into that box._

"_Hey Clare. The keys to Morty are on the nightstand."_

"_So they are. I don't know why I thought they'd be in Eli's pockets."_

"_We should ask Cece and Bullfrog if we can drive it before they sell it. For that one last memory."_

"_I have a better idea."_

_ I went down the stairs with the keys and the shoebox in my hands. I sat across from them and I asked them my question._

"_I know this might be too early but I was wondering… since you are going to sell Morty. I would like to buy him."_

"_No Clare."_

"_Oh okay I understand."_

"_Eli would have wanted you to have him. We couldn't sell him to you… you can have him."_

"_Thank you."_

_ Adam and I told them we would be by tomorrow to finish going through Eli's things in his room. We hopped into Morty, I was behind the wheel. Eli taught me how to drive this summer. It still smelled like him in here… there was even another half drunken soda in the cup holder. We took off down the street. I didn't know where we were going. I started thinking about things… particularly about the months of joy leading up to these days of tragedy and loss…._

It was the last day at Degrassi and things were chaotic. The hallway floor were covered in notebook paper and study guides. It seemed that everyone had gone and lost their minds but it was summer so nobody cared. The big dance was tonight. Everyone seemed pumped for it. With all the pressures that we'd been under lately, we all needed a little stress relief in the form of a sick beat and strobe lights.

I went outside to see Eli and Adam in front of Morty talking. I went over and Eli pulled me into a hug and then a breathtaking kiss. Right after he gave me that crooked grin of his and I placed my head on his chest.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't think I passed my French exam."

"I offered to tutor you."

"French kissing doesn't count."

"If you say so."

We piled into Morty and it was on to the Dot. It was a bit crowded today but luckily our usual seats weren't taken. We had a seat and I ordered my usual burger with a shake. He got a latte and Adam got chili fries.

"So guys its summer."

"I know. While you two are in lover's land I have to get a job. Meet the new ticket taker for Above the Dot."

"That's cool Adam."

"Yeah I know, and since its summer there is going to be a concert or event mostly every night."

"Adam is a grown up."

"Oh hush Stephanie Meyer!"

"Dude she's right."

"Don't even get me started on you…emo boy."

"Oh nice one. Real mature!"

"So are you and Fitz cool now?"

"We aren't best friends but we are no longer enemies."

"Cool."

After the afterschool snack at the Dot, Eli dropped Adam off and then we went back to his place. I was spending the night with Eli. My parents think I'm spending the night with Jenna though, and they are too involved with their own lives to do too much investigating.

My outfit for the dance plus everything else I need to look gorgeous were already at his place. I've been staying here a lot lately. Not because it's bad at home or anything, I just like being with Eli. I can talk to him for hours and never get tired of hearing his voice. We can also talk for days and never repeat the subjects we've talked about… As of late though I've wanted to do a bit more than talk. So after the dance I'm going to seduce Elijah.

**Should I stop now or keep going? What's up guys? What is on your mind? =)**


	2. Chapter 2

Clare

Eli and I walked into the gym. The theme for the dance was "blackout"… I was in a black dress and Eli was in his signature skinny jeans with a black shirt and vest. He looked very handsome. The gym was darker than usual with only the strobe lights and the radiance of the different colored glow sticks to light the way. It was like a rave… except Mr. Simpson and the school board were routinely scattered around the gym.

We went to the middle of the floor and we started dancing. I've never been much for grinding but the song and the darkness made me want to be adventurous. Our bodies moved against each other's and he held me closer until…

"Alright, break it up you two… Leave some space for oxygen."

"Sorry Ms. O."

I waited until she was gone and I moved close to Eli again. I heard him chuckle in my ear. He pulled me out of the gym. We went into the hallway. I slammed Eli against the empty lockers and I kissed him. I allowed myself to lose control and forget holding back. His hands caressed my butt through the dress I was wearing. I decided to do some caressing of my own.

I stroked his hardening girth through his pants and his hold on me tightened. He flipped us around and he slammed me against the lockers, making the ones around us rattle. He groped my breasts through my dress while he placed heavy kisses on my neck. I slipped my hands into his pants to get a better feel on his length. He grunted in my ear and I giggled…. Unfortunately the moment ended when we heard the click of high heels coming around the corner. We took off running and we got ourselves back together.

"So…that was hot."

"It could be hotter though."

"Edwards what are you talking about?"

I pulled two condoms from my bra, a regular sized durex and a durex xxl… Eli's eyes widened and it looked like he was going to pass out. He stood there just looking at the condoms for a while before he looked back up at me with confusion in his face.

"Clare what is the meaning of this?"

"I want to be with you."

"Clare you don't have to. Just because you have been spending the night at my place doesn't mean we have to have sex. You are waiting."

"I'm done waiting Eli. I want you….I want to be one with you. I want you inside me."

"I can't do this."

"Then put the damn thing on and lie down on the ground. I'll do it myself!"

"You aren't kidding are you?"

"No… I've thought long and hard about this."

"I just don't want you to regret it later."

"Don't do anything to make me regret it Goldsworthy. Now which one of these is you?"

"You actually bought condoms?"

"Yes… I did. I bought lube too."

"Clare, buying lube? I must be hearing things!"

"Aren't you supposed to have lube?"

"Not always."

"Well…you're the experienced one."

"I know…well…we aren't going to do it here."

"Then where?"

"My parents will get all weird and happy if they know we are having sex at home… Morty?"

"Okay. He does have that nice carpet in the back… and those curtains."

"Then it's set. Are we leaving? Are we staying until the dance is over?"

"Well… I guess we could stay a bit longer. We haven't really talked to our friends yet."

"Yeah…we wouldn't want to seem too obvious."

We rejoined the party and we chatted with our friends. It was fun but at the same time the continuation of the music and the event made me anxious. I felt like a child trying to hold it together while traveling to the greatest amusement park ever. I was ready for the main event. I mentally cheered when the lights came on they thanked everyone for coming. We bid Adam and Alli goodbye and then we went out to the car. Once we got in we started to laugh at ourselves. He started driving. I didn't have a clue where we were going. I guess it's a secret. He pulled onto this little off road trail. He parked Morty and we started walking. I heard this noise, I wasn't sure what it was but we went towards it.

"Eli… Where are we?"

"Shh… wait and see."

Suddenly we went through some trees. Eli was a perfect gentleman because he held back the branches so that I could go through. There was a waterfall there. So that was the sound. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. The moon was shining into the water making a rippled reflection. Eli walked beside me and I noticed that he had a blanket in his hands.

"Eli…this is amazing!"

"Well… I know."

I pulled him by his necktie and our lips met. He broke the kiss and he laid down the blanket in a bed of flowers. We lay on the blanket and continued the kiss. His weight on top of me left me breathless in a good way. He placed wet kisses on my neck while his hand crept up my dress. He stroked my lotus through my underwear and I moaned softly in his ear. I moved my hand down from his back to the front of his pants. I unbuttoned and unzipped them. He started to pull my panties down while he unzipped my dress on the side. He placed soft kisses on my newly exposed breasts. I bit my lip and sucked in air through my teeth while he flicked my nipple with his tongue. I felt myself becoming unbearably aroused. I grinded my hips against his hardness while he kissed me roughly. Our tongues tangled and for that moment we forgot about oxygen. The moment finally came and I knew I was ready. Eli could sense it too. He pulled up my dress and he rose up. He pulled the Durex xxl condom out and rolled it onto his enlarged member. A bit of apprehension ran through me, giving me butterflies in my stomach however that feeling was quickly replaced with an overwhelming sense of reality. This was really happening!

Eli started sliding himself into me and I started tensing up. He kissed me…

"Clare stop tensing. Just relax…Unless you want me to stop?"

"No… Don't stop…I'll try and relax"

I don't know what happened to me. I tried relaxing and suddenly he pushed completely into me. I gasped and moaned out from pain and shock. He kissed me while our bodies got into a rhythm stroking. The shock and pain soon gave way to pleasure. The moonlight and the bit of perspiration on his face made him glow. Our eyes met and at that instance we reached euphoria together. He lay on top of me, kissing my chest while we caught our breath and regained our energy from the orgasm. When I felt like I was ready to get up I tapped his shoulder and he leaned up too. We smiled at each other but we didn't say anything. I stood up and I let the dress fall off of me. I took off my strappy heels and I went towards the water. He followed me and we went skinny dipping. The water wasn't that deep so I was able to walk up to the water fall. The water was cold but the warm breeze made it less harsh. We kissed under the waterfall and the moon. I felt like this should be a dream but I knew it was real because of the shock of the cold water.

We got out of the water and we got redressed. I scooted close to Eli in Morty and we went back to his place. Bullfrog and Cece were in their room, Eli and I could hear them making love. I guess it's just in the air tonight.

We went up to Eli's room and we both collapsed on his messy bed. This night has been tiring. I went to sleep in Eli's arms. Well I was asleep until his chainsaw snoring woke me up. I clamped his nose shut and he choked. I pretended to be asleep. It was hard not to laugh but I managed to pull it off. He went back to sleep and I turned around to see that he'd put on a nasal strip. How considerate.

"Goodnight Eli."

_ I pulled the hearse into my driveway. Neither of my parents was here right now. They switch out every few weeks but I've stopped keeping up as of late. I went up to my room and I sat the keys on my nightstand. I started crying again when I looked at my calendar… Eli and I had a date tomorrow night. He promised he'd take me to the new cupcake shop…He broke his promise. I know he didn't mean to though._

_ I lay on my bed sobbing so hard that I got cramps in my stomach. I looked through the box and I skimmed through Eli's journals looking for notes or anything… How did he deal with Julia's death? Right now I don't know which way to go. I don't know up from down right now. It feels like I'm going insane… My house was completely silent. The only thing I could hear over my own cries was the barking of a neighborhood dog and the clock on my wall ticking. The damn ticking annoyed me so that I grabbed the clock and I threw it against the wall, sending it flying into pieces! I collapsed on the floor. How dare Eli leave me like this! It's not fair!_

_ I wanted to be angry at Eli for dying but I couldn't be because I know he wouldn't have left me here so broken and confused… I know there are people I could call but I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be alone either though. I curled up in the floor and I stayed there until the moon was in sky. I guess I hoped to die to but I should have known that fate would never be that kind._

_ I went into my parent's bedroom. I looked into the medicine cabinet. My mother's pills were there. I guess she's the one staying here for now. I looked through her prescriptions. There were sleeping pills, anti depressants, pain relievers too… So many things I could take to guide fate's hand. At that moment I thought about what Eli would say…probably something like: "Saint Clare isn't suicide a sin? You aren't going to kill yourself. Put the pills back." I did put the pills back and I shut the medicine cabinet. I went downstairs and out the front door. I got into Morty and I lay there, going to sleep in the hearse. It's where I feel safest and closest to him right now._

**Please leave a review! Tell me what you think! Thanks! =)**


	3. Chapter 3

Clare

_I woke up in Morty. I was soaked in sweat. It's a wonder I didn't smother out here as hot as it is in this car right now. I got out and I noticed my mother's car in the driveway. I went into the house and she was flipping pancakes and frying sausage. This was my favorite breakfast but right now I'm not hungry._

"_Hi Clare…Are you okay? I was coming to get you when the sausage was done cooking."_

"_I'm not really hungry."_

"_Clare, you have to eat."_

"_I'm not hungry mom."_

"_How was the funeral?"_

"_Horrible… Nothing went wrong but funerals are all terrible."_

"_I'm sorry your father and I weren't able to come and support you but the meetings were nonstop and then I would have had to catch a plane…"_

"_Mom I understand."_

"_Clare please...eat something?"_

"_I just can't."_

"_Can't or won't?"_

"…"

"_Clare I didn't know much about Eli but I know he fed you well."_

"_Mom geez I'm not a dog."_

"_Well he did. How many takeout boxes did you bring into this house? He would want you eating… Just one pancake and one sausage link?"_

"_Okay."_

_I ate the food and once I started I couldn't stop myself. I haven't eaten in days really. I went crazy on the pancakes and sausage links eating nearly half of the food… I then downed a glass of milk. I went upstairs and I grabbed leggings and a shirt…nothing special. I went into the bathroom and I started to shower. I took off the dress and I looked at it. I bought this dress to go with Eli to a concert… I never imagined my second time wearing it would be when we were putting him into the ground. I took it off and I put it in the bag to go for dry cleaning…_

A few weeks into summer and it's hard to belief that there's not been one day of boredom. I guess boredom isn't something that happens in Eli's world. There is always something to do and somewhere to go. Tonight we are going to a concert. I picked out this cute black dress for the event. I stepped out of his bathroom in the dress and he looked me over.

"What?"

"Nothing sexy lady."

"You are so silly… Are we picking Adam up?"

"No, he's meeting us there."

"Oh, cool."

We got into the hearse and we went to the concert. It was in a club! A real club! People were drinking liquor and beers outside on the sidewalk. I started to panic before we got out of the car.

"Eli! We can't go into a club! We are going to get thrown in jail!"

"Clare chill out okay? I have this under control. Just take this fake ID and everything will be okay."

"Fake ID!"

"Clare come on… it's not that bad. Adam is already inside and the band is hyping up the crowd. That's the best part."

"If we get caught…"

"We won't…just keep your cool."

We went up to the bouncer. I could smell the cigarette smoke from here. The bouncer looked at Eli and then they both started laughing. They gave each other dap and a half hug. Am I missing something?

"Eli man what is up?"

"Nothing Zeus, just enjoying the summer with my girl."

"Who is this lovely lady?"

"Clare, this is Zeus, Zeus, meet my girlfriend Clare."

"A pleasure to meet you ma'am… Well Eli you better get in there. I don't need to see your ID I know you're cool but Clare I need to see yours."

I pulled out the fake ID and I gave it to the bouncer. He looked at me and then back at the card several times before he cleared us and let us in, but not before giving us a wristband to say that we were old enough to drink. This felt wrong on so many levels but I didn't say anything. We spotted Adam and we went over to where he was. He had a drink in his hand. This wasn't a beer though, it looked like whiskey.

"Adam are you drinking? You're not o…You don't drink."

"No Clare I'm actually a borderline alcoholic…just kidding. I do drink though. This is really your first time coming to this club?"

"Yeah."

The band sounded great. There wasn't really that much room for dancing because this place was packed so instead everyone just focused on the show. They started playing a slow song and Eli grabbed my hand. He could probably tell I was still a little…uneasy about this all.

"Clare relax."

"I'm trying."

"Want a drink?"

"Eli!"

"Clare… you can drink. You are "technically" twenty two."

"I guess I skipped a couple birthdays huh?"

"Yeah…Here, take Adam's rum and coke. He doesn't need it."

Eli snatched the drink from Adam's hand before he could place his lips on the brim of the cup to drink. Adam looked angry momentarily before being distracted by the band changing to another song… Eli handed me the drink… I sniffed it and he told me to just down it so I did. It burned my throat going down. How can people tolerate this stuff?

Ten minutes passed and I started to realize how people could tolerate that stuff. Adam had gotten another drink. I snatched it from him and I downed it. This time he cursed at me and went back to the bar. I chuckled to myself. I gave the empty glass to Eli and then I tried to dance to the upbeat tempo of the song the band was cranking out. I stumbled and I nearly fell but Eli caught me.

"Eli! You have to get me more…more (drunken hiccup) of that stuff Adam was drinking."

"No Clare, I think you have had enough."

"Well can I try a sex on the beach? I heard they were good… I want sex on the beach!"

"Well I want to come home one day to find you lying naked on my bed slathered in nesquik strawberry syrup and marshmallow peeps but that's not gonna happen…"

"Booo! Eli is mean!"

"Clare."

"Eli is stinky!"

"Clare…calm down."

"It's so hot in here…Why do I have all this on? This dress is so hot. Maybe if I take it off…"

"No! Clare!"

"Well I'll take these off. Don't need them!"

"Clare! Put your panties back on!"

"No! My lips got things they wanna say to the world!"

I stumbled over to a platform. I got on it and I started dancing. Eli chased after me but he was slowed down by the crowd. I rose up my dress and the lot of the club was exposed to my panty-less crotch. When I finally pulled my dress down Eli had caught up to me and he was trying to pull me down but I ended up falling on him.

I woke up the next morning and it felt like I'd been hit by a truck. We were in Eli's bed and Adam was on the floor. I noticed that Eli had a black eye and a fat lip. What happened to him last night? I couldn't ponder for long because I had to blow chunks. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. All the dry heaving and moving wasn't helping my massive headache. Is this what being hung-over is? I feel bad!

When I was sure I couldn't vomit up anything else but my organs I went back to bed. I smell like my soap…and I'm in a gown. Eli must have showered and dressed me last night. Just how drunk did I get last night? What did I do last night?

I lay down and I ran my fingers through Eli's hair. He didn't budge. He's used to me doing that by now so I decided to take another approach. I shook him until his eyes opened. He looked confused.

"Clare, what is it? Are you okay?"

"What happened to me last night Eli? What happened to you last night? Is that a tattoo on Adam?"

"Yes that is a tattoo…You got drunk, flashed an entire crowd, fell on top of me and then you punched me a few times later, you ate four big macs…that's why you beat me up originally because I wouldn't take you to McDonalds…You started crying when you remembered you beat me up, you tried to get your clitoris pierced and you threatened to rape me before I got you to calm down so I could bathe you and put you to bed."

"Well I didn't want to drink but you made me."

"Yeah and I've been kicking myself for that ever since!"

"I'm sorry…pookie."

"Yucky! It's too early for that shit!"

"Adam it's actually noon."

"Too early!"

Though it was hardly early Adam had a point. With the night we had, noon felt more like the crack of dawn so we all went back to sleep. Eli and I cuddled up in his bed and Adam snoozed in his pallet on the floor. It was easily the most peaceful and deep sleep I've ever had… even if the reason for closing my eyes was a blinding headache…

_I left the house and I jumped into Morty. I picked up Adam from his place. He didn't look too put together either. We went to the Goldsworthy's and Cece greeted us with hugs. She was making a little wooden carving so we left her to her work. She seemed sad but it's like she was trying to hold it together. I know the feeling. I sat on Eli's still unmade bed and I allowed myself to wallow in the sheets. I took my shoes off and I got under the covers. Adam joined me…we looked up at Eli's ceiling which was covered in posters from all the concerts he's attended throughout his life._

"_Clare, you think if Eli had lived…you and him would have gotten married?"_

"_I hoped we would. I proposed to him you know?"_

"_What!"_

"_Not seriously but… It was still a proposal."_

"_He was really in love with you."_

"_I know."_

"_How?"_

"_The way he acted, the things he said and did and how he put up with my bullshit."_

"_Tell tale signs huh? I would kill to have a piece of what you had… Someone to really love you. Fiona hasn't called once. She knows about it but she doesn't care."_

"_I'm sorry Adam."_

"_Yeah me too…Still I would literally kill for even a crumb of the love you and Eli shared. I guess we can't all be the fortunate ones…"_

_Even if the fortune didn't last long enough…._

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review and tell me any comments or questions you may have. =)**


	4. Chapter 4

Clare

_Cleaning Eli's room has been somewhat therapeutic. He was a packrat so there is a lot of stuff to sort through. I almost want to keep everything but I know I can't. We made three piles. One to give to charity, one for me and Adam to split and one to give to his parents. That's the only way we knew how to do it and Cece thought it was a great idea. _

_Adam went to get something off of the top shelf of the closet and an avalanche of things fell down on top of him, knocking him to the ground. The last little item to come tumbling down was a little league statue. Eli played little league baseball? I never knew that. I didn't even know Eli was ever into sports. I guess maybe wasn't dark all his life. _

_I helped Adam off of the ground and we looked through the stuff. There was one thing that struck me. It was a black, old looking book. It had a lock on it… Where have I saw the key to this lock before? I ran out to Morty and I looked in the box of mementos from yesterday. I got the tiny key and I ran back up the stairs. I opened the lock. The book was a journal. A really big journal and it was all about Julia and her death. The first page simply said "Julia's dead."_

_Adam and I neatly folded the clothes Cece told us to give away and we put them into a garbage bag. The things she was keeping I left on the dresser and Adam and I grabbed more of the things that remind us so much of Eli. I also took that journal. Something is telling me I should read it… Or at least I want to read it._

_We dropped off the clothes at the second hand store and I dropped Adam off. I went to the park and I parked in the spot Eli used to park in. I cracked open the journal and I started to read…_

_Julia lay there like a porcelain doll. She was beautiful, but too beautiful in this state. Way too still and way too…pale to be my Julia. It was my fault. I was the one who decreased her to being a mere doll with my words. My anger provoked my tongue to spit out cursing lies that pierced Julia's heart and sent her away in the night on that two wheeled death machine. Maybe if I weren't a liar then she would still be here. Because that's really what the madness had my mouth spew out…lies. The words I said were venomous but there was not an ounce of truth to them. Why couldn't I have just told the truth? Why couldn't I have said I felt like I was losing her? Why couldn't I let silence speak for me? That way the tears that blinded her in that crucial and final moment wouldn't have been staining her eyes. Julia, my Julia… no longer able to speak or peer into my soul with her wise eyes. Now she is merely a doll… To be looked at but alas not longer touched._

_I didn't know what to say or think. That was all I could stand to read for tonight. I always knew Eli felt guilty but I never knew it was this bad… We didn't talk about Julia much. Only when he told me what happened and one other time during an emotional breakthrough. I guess I never really understood just how deep his pain ran. Now I do empathize with him when it comes to the loss, but I wish I didn't. I wish I never knew what it was like to lose someone and I wish Eli was here. _

_I sat in the car thinking for a while. The moon was out tonight. It's a crescent moon… my cell phone started to ring. I answered the call. It was my mother._

"_Clare, where are you?"_

"_I'm just…out mom."_

"_Baby, come home please? It's nine o clock and we have to get up early tomorrow."_

"_Why mom?"_

"_Please just come home. I made cube steak for dinner."_

"_I'm still not hungry."_

"_Clare, we've gone over this."_

"_Mom please… I just need a few more hours where I'm at right now."_

"_Clare your father is here and we need to talk to you."_

"_Fine."_

_I hung up the phone and I wiped my tears. I placed the book in the passenger seat of the hearse. I stopped for gas on the way back to my house. When I got there I parked and went into the house. My father was sitting on the larger couch while my mother was on the loveseat. I sat down beside my father._

"_What's going on here?"_

"_Clare, when I went through my pills today I noticed that they weren't in the order I left them in. Did you….take some?"_

"_No. I thought about it."_

"_Why?"_

"_To kill myself."_

"_Clare! Why would you do such a thing?"_

"_To speed up the process. I'm dying anyway."_

"_No you aren't!"_

"_I am! Don't you see I'm dying! I'm getting paler and weaker every day. I can hardly hold my head up!"_

"_Killing yourself slowly and dying are not the same things Clare!"_

"_Well what am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do!"_

"_Clare, your mom and I are going to get you some help. Tomorrow morning we are taking you to see Dr. Farth."_

"_A shrink? You honestly think that will help?"_

"_We have to try."_

_I didn't say anything else to my parents that night except "goodbye" and "goodnight"… When my father left and I heard soft snores coming from my mother's room I left back out. I got into Morty and I went to the one person I knew could get me liquor…_

"_Clare? Is that you?"_

"_Fitz, I need a favor."_

"_What is it? For a minute I almost thought you were Eli but then I remembered…you know."_

"_That he's dead?"_

"_Yeah that. What do you need?"_

"_You can buy booze right?"_

"_Clare I sell booze."_

"_Better than perfect. Give me your strongest."_

"_You don't want that."_

"_I think I do."_

"_Alright… Absinthe."_

"_How much do I owe you?"_

"_We'll discuss payment later. Go easy on that stuff alright. I heard that's the reason Van Gogh cut off his ear."_

"_Thanks I will keep that in mind."_

_I went back to my house and into my room. They want to send me to a shrink, well I have to really have something to tell him don't I? I started drinking the green drink. It was bitter. It burned going down but that was just the distraction I needed. I drunk the green fairy by the mouth full. Each gulp larger than the last until more than half of the bottle was gone. My head was spinning and I felt like the Earth's rotation had sped up by a million. I didn't feel like getting up to get on the bed, not that I could have made it without falling… Instead I lay on the floor and I drifted off into what I hoped would be a peaceful sleep._

_I woke up in a cold room on a hard bed. I must be in the hospital. What am I doing here? I tried to sit up in the bed but my body didn't approve. I lay there looking around. There was an IV hooked up to my arm and a heart monitor on my finger. I looked over to see my mother in the corner asleep. I buzzed the nurse._

"_Ms. Edwards?"_

"_What happened?"_

"_You are in here because of alcohol poisoning."_

"_Oh. Okay."_

"_How do you feel?"_

"_Like I've been hit by a truck and gagged."_

"_Stomach pumps sometimes turn out that way."_

"_Thank you nurse."_

_She left out and my mother slowly opened her eyes. She looked at me but she didn't say anything. She walked over to me and continued looking at me. She stroked back my hair and she placed her hand on my cheek._

"_Clare, why?"_

"_Why what?"_

"_Why did you try to kill yourself?"_

"_I didn't. I just wanted to get drunk and go to sleep."_

"_Then you should have raided the wine cabinet! I know you had other motives Clare. I just don't know why."_

"_I didn't try to kill myself mom."_

"_Whatever you say. I was so worried about you when I went to check on you. You were in the middle of the floor, not breathing and in a cold sweat with a mostly empty bottle of absinthe in your hands. I thought I'd lost you Clare!"_

"_Well I'm fine now! Okay mom."_

"_Did you find what you were looking for?"_

"_What?"_

"_Did you find Eli, the white light or the tunnel you were looking for Clare? Was it worth it?"_

"_I told you I wasn't trying to kill myself."_

"_I don't believe that because you don't either. I love you Clare. You are my baby girl and I want to see you grow up. I know this is hard… Losing someone is hard but you can't shut me and your dad out. We love you and we need you. You lost Eli, yes… but Clare we can't lose you!"_

_Tears were streaming down my mother's face. I don't like to see her cry, so I turned my head. I fought my tears, and I tried not to join her in the sobbing but I couldn't help it. I didn't think I was trying to kill myself but what if I really was? _

_I told my mother she could leave and she did. The room was quiet with the annoying exception of the heart monitor constantly beeping and the IV bag dispensing. I started to think about my life as of now. If I really did almost die, shouldn't I have seen Eli or something? Isn't that what always happens? Maybe all those near death accounts were all a load of bull. I wish they weren't crocks though because I would kill to hear his voice in person one more time. Since I can't I guess I will have to pretend. I will pretend that he's still alive…he's just visiting his uncle in Europe. Who in the hell am I trying to fool?_

_I miss him. I don't know how to deal with this still. I don't think all of the therapy in the world would help me. I feel so hollow now. Eli completed me. He was the missing piece of the puzzle that was my life. He was my best friend… Sure I have friends but Eli was different. I could tell him anything. I've told him things I've never even told Alli. I've even told him my rainy day secrets._

We were sitting on the floor in Eli's bedroom. It was a rainy day so not much was stirring. This was the first time that we had absolutely nothing to do. I proposed we tell secrets. I always love a good secret exchange especially on a rainy day.

"What are your secrets Goldsworthy?"

"What?"

"Secrets. Give them up."

"Only if you tell some unknown truths too."

"Fine…"

"I was the only baby my parents could have."

"Really? I never knew that."

"Yup. Now you…"

"When I was younger I drowned a cat."

"Clare, an animal torturer?"

"I was mad; the cat was stupid and violent. It scratched me so I dragged it to the backyard and I drowned it in a bucket full of rainwater."

"Shit Clare. That is brutal. Who knows about this dark deed?"

"God, me and now…you."

"Well I wouldn't want to end up like that feline so I'll keep my mouth shut…cat killer."

"Eli! Shut up!"

"Alright alright gangster…"

"Eli, when we have sex…is it good to you?"

"Yes. Why would you ask that?"

"Just wondering."

"Am I good to you?"

"Yes."

"I know."

"Cocky."

"My cocky is hard as a rocky."

We both started laughing and then I realized that Eli wasn't kidding. He was hard and I started to find that it wasn't only wet outside. I kissed him while he ran his fingers through my hair. His fingers against my scalp was a therapeutic feeling. We moved closer together. He started hiking up the sundress I was wearing until the door flew open. We separated quickly. It was Cece and she had a surprised look on her face at first until she started laughing.

"I really gotta learn to knock. You kids want steak or chicken tonight?"

"Steak is fine mom."

"Thanks Cece."

"No problem Clare. You two have fun."

Cece left out. The moment was gone so Eli went and used the "bathroom" and he came back. He got onto the computer and started his work. Although it can really be constituted as play. Eli is so good at the video games he plays that people pay to compete against him. He charges by the hour… While Eli was "working" I looked outside at the rain. It's a beautiful day today. I guess love makes everything seem beautiful…even gloom and mud.

**Please leave a review, thanks ahead of time =b**


	5. Chapter 5

Clare

_A week goes faster than you expect it to. The first day of school is here. My mom and principal Simpson said it would be okay if I wanted to take a few weeks off, but I don't want to. Not that Degrassi is my favorite place… I just don't want to be babysat by my mom or dad all day. Adam and I sat in Morty looking at the herds of students walk into the building. He was looking at me with suspicion._

"_What?"_

"_Are you really sure you should be here? I mean you are recovering from alcohol poisoning."_

"_I'm fine."_

"_Then what is with the Dead hands T-shirt, the dark make up, skinny jeans, boots and the black highlights?"_

"_I wanted something new Adam. That's all and the t-shit makes me feel like Eli is here too."_

"_I have my eye on you… I've been meaning to curse you out ya know."_

"_About what?"_

"_Almost dying. We lost Eli and now it's just us. If you'd passed on too… it would have been just me."_

"_I'm sorry Adam."_

"_All is forgiven."_

_Adam and I walked through the doors of Degrassi. There were whispers left and right. Mostly people were deliberating on whether I was me or not. Other people were saying that I was possessed with Eli's spirit somehow. I went to the locker I was assigned at registration and I put my book bag, leaving out only my purse and a notebook. Alli came up to me with widened eyes._

"_Clare, what happened?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I mean you are so dark… where are your pastel colors? Black streaks! Drooling black eyeliner… did Eli really possess you like everyone is saying? I heard you are even driving the casket car now."_

"_Yes Alli I am… No Eli did not possess me either. It's time for a change. Pastels don't suit me anymore. Lilac makes me want to barf."_

"_New year, new look, new Clare?"_

"_Exactly."_

"_Don't worry Alli; I thought the new Clare's look was shocking too…but really? You though Eli would possessed her?"_

"_Look that's what is going around… I also heard you got put into the hospital."_

"_I did."_

"_Why?"_

"_Alcohol poisoning."_

"_Clare!"_

"_Look Alli there is a lot that's happened."_

"_Well Clare, you never tell me anything anymore. I've never lost anyone but… I can be a great listener. I thought I was your friend?"_

"_You are Alli. I've been shutting people out lately. I'm sorry… The only reason Adam found out was because my mom told him."_

"_Oh. What is your first class?"_

"_Dawes."_

"_Oh. Art or English?"_

"_Art."_

"_Oh. I have chemistry."_

"_Me too."_

"_Well Adam, looks like it's me and you…"_

"_Bye you guys."_

_Adam and Alli went off towards the chemistry lab while I went towards the art room. When I got in the classroom hardly anyone was there. Ms. Dawes saw me and she hugged me._

"_Clare I didn't get a chance to speak to you at the services but how are you honey?"_

"_Horrible…"_

"_You have a new look."_

"_Yeah… Something I'm trying out."_

"_You didn't want to stay home?"_

"_And be babysat by my parents? Nah…"_

"_I can understand that. Well, you are in for a treat this year. Prepare to keep those idle hands busy."_

_People started to flood into the class after the bell rang and Ms. Dawes started her first lecture. It was just an introduction. We didn't really do much in the class today which I found a bit disappointing. I wanted to be put to work so that my mind wouldn't go wandering… It did go wandering though and I found myself in the bathroom throwing up and crying like someone had spanked me as sad thoughts filled my mind. When I came out of the stall I washed my hands and I looked into the mirror. My eyeliner was running all down my face now. I look a mess…this reminds me of that time in the summer._

It was hot outside. Plain and simple, it was just hot. Eli suggested that we go swimming. This time I was actually at my house… my dad was starting to notice that I was gone all the time. I put on my swimsuit with a pair of blue jean shorts and flip flops. Eli was outside five minutes later. He had on a white tank top with white swim trunks. I looked him over… I don't think I've ever saw him in white before.

"What?"

"You are wearing white."

"Yeah, and?"

"You never wear white."

"Whatever Edwards… we have to go and get Adam."

"Well let's go then Goldsworthy I'm turning into a pillar of salt here."

We went to the Torres residence and Adam was standing beside the mailbox. He got into Morty and I became sandwiched between the two…. Eli started to drive and he went right past both of the community pools. Before I could say something he answered me…

"We aren't swimming in a pool."

"Then where are we swimming?"

"You've been before."

"The waterfall?"

"Yeah."

"Yay!"

"What waterfall?"

"The one where I took Eli's virginity."

"Ha, Edwards you are so funny… Adam clearly you know it was the other way around."

"Wait…you two did it?"

"Yeah, on the last day of school after the dance."

"Why wasn't I informed?"

"Because…Clare said I couldn't tell you."

"Adam, now Eli is the one lying."

"Saint Clare no more."

We arrived at the waterfall and I was relieved to see that nobody was there. I don't know why but I don't want to share this place. I feel like it should be only me and Eli's place… well Adam's too now.

Once the hearse turned off we ran for the water. It was still as cold as I remember, even on a hot day like this. I stood under the falling water and I let it renew me. Eli walked over and put his face in the cascading water and when he pulled it out his eyeliner was running. It looked like he'd been crying. I started to laugh.

"What?"

"Nothing crybaby."

"What?"

"Your makeup is running."

"So it wasn't water proof… you think that's funny?"  
"Very."

He picked me up and dunked me in the water. I pulled him under with me. One thing I didn't count on though was him playing dirty. When I rose from the water I noticed that I felt particularly free… I looked down and I noticed that my bikini top was gone and I was halfway naked.

"Eli! Give it back!"

"Catch me if you can!"

I chased him into the woods while I held my breasts to keep them from being exposed to anyone who may be out here. When I finally caught up to Eli he was sitting on a picnic table wiping his runny makeup on my bikini top.

"That's real mature."

"I know… take your hand down."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

I let my hands fall to my sides and he pulled me closer to him. He ran his fingertips across my stomach and it made me shiver. He kissed my chest and he moved down to my breasts. He flicked his tongue across my nipples and suckled them. I bit my lip and I let my head fall back. He started moving up towards my neck and he moved my head forward so that our lips would meet. Our tongues entwined and my breath got taken away. I needed Eli. My body became anxious and only he could calm me down. I tried untying his swim trunks and he pulled away.

"Eli what's wrong?"

"I don't have a condom."

"That doesn't matter."

"Yes it does."

"Please Eli? I need you. You can pull out or something."

He seemed reluctant at first but I managed to persuade him with a kiss. He untied the sides of my bikini and he pulled his erection out of his trunks. Feeling Eli for the first time without any condom to separate us was amazing. I held onto him tight, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist as he went deeper into me. Each stroke of his hardness and each grind of my hips bought us both closer to the big moment. The closer we got I found that the only thing I could bring myself to say was "Eli." I said it over and over in his ear, never above a whisper. He responded by kissing my neck and stroking my back while he breathed heavily and grunted softly. When we hit peak I could only whimper as the wave of cold, hot and utter euphoria engulfed my body… He came not too long after me and we realized that he didn't pull out but I didn't care right now. I sat on the picnic table and he stood there. My legs were still wrapped around his waist. I ran my fingers through his hair as he head lay on my breasts. We rocked until we felt like moving.

After a few minutes we heard Adam calling for us. I put my bikini back on and Eli pulled up his trunks. We ran to where Adam was and he looked at us suspiciously before unloading a million questions.

"Where were you two?"

"Talking about how Eli owes me a new bikini."

"Also about how Clare is going to help me find some truly waterproof eyeliner."

"Do I look like a newborn? You two were fucking. Clare there is semen on your leg."

"What? Oh shit!"

I ran into the water and I cleaned myself up. When I came back to the spot Eli and Adam were sitting in I was embarrassed until Eli and Adam started cracking jokes about it.

"Like that would seriously constitute as a top rate cream pie… I can see it now… Eli von Gold and Clarabelle Rayne in… crème de la cream!"

"Oh my god Adam shut up!"

"Adam that is a good idea though… Clare we should go into porn."

"Maybe when we are married…"

"Deal?"

"I said maybe…."

"You guys are messed."

We stayed at the waterfall until it was dark. We splashed around, swam and even just sat in the cool water. It was just the remedy for the abnormally hot day. It was fun having some time with Adam, even if that embarrassing situation did happen. At least he promised to take it to the grave.

After we dropped Adam off Eli and I went to the park and we sat in Morty. He wasn't a hot box now that the sun had set. Maybe it was the full moon and maybe it was the fact that I was in public with a bikini on. I wanted Eli again.

I kissed his neck and I placed my hand on his thigh, close enough to his manhood to let him know my intentions. He exhaled and ran his fingers through my hair before talking. I was too lost in the moment to hear what he said but I felt his throat vibrating against my lips.

"Say something?"

"What are you doing?"

"Seducing you."

"Twice in one day…"

"Let's blame it on the full moon please? I need you."

"Need me or want me?"

"Both."

"Now what if I were to get you all keyed up and then send you home?"

"Then I would have to force you into it Eli…"

"Lucky for you… I don't like to see you burning in lust and I really don't want blue balls."

We made love in and it was amazing! We didn't have condoms again this time but Eli stopped by the drugstore. I got the morning after pill and I took it. Eli then took me home. I didn't want to get out of the car. I wanted to stay with him the rest of the night but I knew my father would be looking for me to come home.

"Want to kidnap me?"

"I would but I want your father's approval."

"Bye."

"Bye… I love you."

"I love you too."

I found myself a little sad to be leaving Eli's car but I knew I would more than likely see him tomorrow….

_I walked out of the bathroom and into the hallway. I have math next but I realized that I'd missed half the class. Instead I went to the library and I read some more of Eli's journal. I knew it'd probably make me cry so I pulled tissues from my purse._

_I couldn't make myself go back to the school that Julia and I went to. There were little reminders of her everywhere… Her locker… It once held her things and now it's empty. The only things that prove she ever used it at all were the initials we carved into the paint. The empty desks in the English and History classes we shared are haunting. I expect her to walk through the door but I know she won't and no matter who sits in those seats after her… they will always be empty to me. The green jello at lunch even made me think of her. She was the only person who actually enjoyed the jiggly, lime flavored crap. I know I should have taken my mother's advice and taken some time off but I don't want to be on house arrest. Though life, as of now, holds little value for me I still need to live it. Don't I?_

_That's exactly right…_

**Thanks for reading! Please leave a review honey buns! =b**


	6. Chapter 6

_Adam_

_I went into the comic book shop. This is the first time I've actually been in this place alone. Usually Eli was with me when I came to stock up on my latest stuff. Not anymore though. I looked through the new releases and then through the vintage stuff. I just can't wrap my mind around buying anything right now. I saw the newest edition of the comics Eli was painfully loyal too. I thought they sucked but he'd argue me down if I badmouthed it in the least. He was looking forward to buying this comic and he even had it marked on the calendar. I saw it last week after Clare and I finished cleaning out Eli's room._

_Things aren't the same anymore. I feel like I'm alone. I still have Clare but she's a girl so I can't play video games or do gross guy things around her. I miss my best friend…my only friend really. Sure, I guess Drew would constitute as a friend but in all honesty, he's too busy chasing tail to hang with me. Fiona goes to university now, not that she'd hang with me anyway. She doesn't care about me. I was just some good-time guy until she could get what she really wanted… Hot college chicks. Eli was one of the best friends I've ever had. He didn't freak when I told him I was transgender and he didn't treat me different. Now I'm utterly friendless. At least there were good times before the end._

I love working this summer job. It has so many perks. I get to sit down all night and I get tolisten to awesome bands and flirt with cute girls… Fiona and I have been distant so I figure a little harmless flirting wouldn't do much. The music was nice and the crowd was compliant. Peter only had to fuss on a few knuckleheads for smoking pot and then is was smooth sailing.

When I came out of Above the Dot at the end of the night Eli's hearse was there and he was holding two tickets in his hands. I walked up to him a little confused. Eli would usually be with Clare. This can only mean one thing…

"It's the…"

"Yes Adam, it's the secret video game expo with the latest and greatest! We've been chosen."

"Righteous! When is it?"

"It starts in three hours. I've got a six pack of red bull and a box of sugar cubes. We have energy."

"Dude, this is fucking awesome!"

The expo was full of video nerds…just like we were, I presume. They all seemed excited to see the latest technology of the video game world. There were robotic arms and realistic guns. The world of video games is surely changing… Will joysticks even be required soon?

The expo latest until around noon and then Eli and I went to get some pizza. I felt like I might topple over but the energy drink and sugar made me unable to close my eyes for longer than a blink.

"So Adam how is Fiona?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"She hardly talks to me since she graduated. I don't think she's into me like that anymore."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think she likes guys."

"Ohhh…"

"Can you believe that Drew suggested I become Gracie again to win her over?"

"No way man. No girl is worth lying to yourself. Trust me I tried in middle school. Have you seen the pictures of redheaded jock Eli?"

"What a scary thought. Red head?"

"She liked redheads… It was hard keeping my roots colored though. Black always seemed to peek through every couple days."

"Well I'm glad you are yourself again dude… I just wish that I could find my Clare. It's not fair that you two get to have all the happy."

"You don't sound jealous at all."

"I'm serious man. You two bicker like old people; laugh and play like kids and have sex like it's your job… You are probably going to get married right out of high school and be one of those couples that actually lasts while the rest of us will be swimming around just looking for a fraction of what you have."

"Adam Clare and I don't have the perfect relationship."

"Name on thing wrong with it."

"Her parents don't like me."

"BFD."

"Okay okay… not a very convincing argument I know but you will find your Clare someday Adam."

"I just wish that Fiona was my Clare…. Eli I really liked her and I thought she liked me back. Instead she had to get drunk just to be with me. I helped turn her into a wino and I done it selfishly. I didn't care that she was drunk, just as long as I was with her."

"Adam that isn't the way things should be. I know this is hard to do but forget her man… Find someone who likes you."

"Yeah… like she's out there anywhere."

"She is…now eat your pizza before you pass out in it."

Eli's advice really stuck with me. At that moment I decided to stop calling Fiona and leaving love-sick messages on her voicemail and answering machine. I decided to stop messaging her and I definitely decided to stop looking for a reply from her. She isn't going to reply because she doesn't like me.

_Eli sure knew what to say to a guy with a broken heart. I guess that's what I needed to hear at the time. I needed to hear the bitter truth and he served it to me with a spoonful of reality to boot. Where am I going to go for advice now?_

_I walked home from the comic book store. My mother was in the kitchen cooking up something that smelled good. I went into the kitchen and I laid my head on the breakfast island. She walked over and stroked my head. I didn't realize I was crying until I rose up and the cool air from out ceiling fan hit my tear-streaked face._

"_Adam what's the matter?"_

"_Nothing…just still sad."_

"_Baby I told you to take some time off. Eli was your best friend. It's okay if you aren't all together yet."_

"_He wouldn't have wanted me to miss school today mom."_

"_I wish I knew what to tell you Adam but I don't. I've never lost a friend."_

"_I know mom. I'll be okay. I just need to lie down a spell."_

"_Okay. I'm cooking your favorite. Rotisserie chicken with redskin mashed potatoes and homemade gravy."_

"_Sounds great mom."_

_I went into my room and I plopped back on the bed. I unzipped my pants. I could hardly breathe. I've been eating a lot more lately and the weight is coming on fast. I don't think what I'm doing is healthy but I can't help it. When I'm sad I got for the fridge. _

_I flipped on the TV and I pulled a snicker bar from my nightstand. I went through that and an entire bag of family size Doritos while I watched a UFC match. Though nobody was in the room to criticize me I found myself feeling ashamed for eating all of that junk food… For eating that much period with it being so close to dinner. The bad part is that I'm still hungry._

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	7. Chapter 7

_Clare_

_It's been an entire month since Eli's been dead and things get worse every day. Adam and I try and keep each other strong but it feels like a useless attempt. I feel horrible most of the time. It hurts to even get out of bed and trying to focus on anything else is not only a challenge, it's impossible. I know suicide is a sin in the eyes of the Lord. At least that's what I've always been taught but I wonder if he'd make this one exception for me?_

_Pills, razors and tall buildings have been looking awfully attractive lately. The only thing that keeps me from taking the plunge and joining my beloved underground is the fact that I'm scared I will go to hell for taking my own life. Day by day though, the fear is decreasing and the idea of not having to shed another tear or feel the gut wrenching pain I feel almost every second of every day is becoming more appealing. _

_I sat by Eli's grave and I leaned against his tombstone. Cemeteries used to creep me out but this seems like the only place I can breathe. Eli is here… under six feet of this dirt somewhere. By now he's probably being eaten by insects underground but just for my sanity I like to pretend that when I place my hand on the mound of dirt beside his tombstone, he's putting his hand in the same spot… Even though I really know the truth._

_Eli_

_I watched as Clare sat there at my final resting place. If only she knew that I'm always with her. I haven't left since the incident. It was a doozy actually accepting that I was dead but what can I do? The autopsy specialist said even if I'd gone to the hospital I would have either still died, or had permanent brain damage. I guess I was just damned if I did die and damned if I didn't. _

_Clare got into Morty. I got into the passenger seat. I wish she knew I was here with her. That might make her actually drive the speed limit. She didn't take off though. She sat motionless behind the wheel, staring out the window and into oblivion. I don't like the feelings I get from her. I want her to see me again, I want to talk to her but I don't want her joining me on this side for a long time. She's got a great life ahead of her. Even without me she can be happy. I don't think she'll give herself the chance though. I was able to save her once but I don't know if I can muster up that much energy again. It was hard to wake up her mom the night Clare got alcohol poisoning. I put all my effort into it and all I was able to do was become a bump in the night. It sucked. Now I know why on those ghost shows I used to watch the ghosts identified themselves by knocking on shit. That's hard enough. I wish I could manifest myself like Casper or some shit like that but…this is the real paranormal world and that doesn't happen so easily._

"_Eli we had plans! We were going to go off to college together and then go on a trip to India where we went from barber shop to barber shop getting head massages. You broke our plans!"_

_Sometimes it feels like she knows I'm here. It's not like I can ask her if she feels me around her but the way she talks it's like she's fussing on me. The way she used to when we were dating and I done something wrong. I want to apologize to her. It seems I've fucked up everyone's life lately… Clare sat in the car and I sat beside her. I touched her arm and I watched her hairs rise. At least I can do that. Suddenly Julia was sitting beside me._

"_I knew I'd find you here."_

"_She's thinking about suicide."_

"_You did too…when you were in her position."_

"_It was my fault though."_

"_I never blamed you Eli. You really love her?"_

"_Yes. She was the first person since…"_

"_Since me. I know… I've been watching."_

"_Is there a way to stop her?"_

"_No, not unless someone is around like last time."_

"_Clare…"_

_I was finally with Julia again. Two years ago this would have been a dream come true but now that my heart belongs to Clare… It's like window shopping at your favorite store. I would say that the pain is unbearable but I can't feel physical pain. I walk through walls, doors and more but I can't let Clare know I'm here, not that I haven't tried._

"_You will never cross over if you don't let her go."_

"_I won't cross over until she can come too. Why haven't you crossed?"_

"_I just came to say goodbye. My mom had another baby, a little girl named Jillian…eleven pounds. She was beautiful and my mom… she's happy again… I think that's what I was waiting for. I knew you'd be okay but I just needed to know she wouldn't be alone."_

"_I still loved you Julia."_

"_Yeah… I know. See you later? Time flies quickly when you are…dead."_

"_Okay."_

_A few minutes after Julia left, Clare started to doze off. I wish I could hold her and have her know I was holding her but I can't. I decided to go and visit someone else for a while. Clare needs the rest. She hasn't been sleeping well lately. Not that I'd disturb her or anything._

_I couldn't believe what I was seeing. When I got to Adam, he was reading the comics he swore he'd never touch. They were my favorites but he swore up and down they sucked ass. My pal looked sad. His eyes didn't have any life or joy in them. That was all covered up by the bags and dark circles. He's not even his slender self anymore. He's rather husky these days. He reached for a candy bar and I tried grabbing it from him, remembering quickly that I can't touch things. The candy bar went right through my hand as I tried to grasp it. Yup, right through my hands and into Adam's overly fed mouth._

_I didn't want to see the rest. I knew Adam would keep eating until the either vomited or went to sleep with food still in his hands or around his mouth. If Clare joins me prematurely what will become of Adam?_

_I checked up on my mother and father next. This has become somewhat of a routine. It's strange not having to take the stairs to get to my room. I just imagine myself there. I always thought ghosts were supposed to float or fly or something…no, we walk. My mother and father were sitting on my old bed crying. In my mother's hands was a letter from a college. It was probably just a prospect letter to let me know they were looking at me. No need for that now though. I sat beside them on the bed and I wrapped my arms around them both. I wish they could feel it…. I hate being invisible and muted. I hate not being able to pick stuff up and I hate the fact that everything and everybody fucking goes through me!_

_Clare_

_I woke up still inside of Morty and still at the graveyard. The sun had gone down and the moon was in the sky but covered by clouds. I cranked up the car and I started to drive without a destination. I didn't want to go home. My parents would just try to up my time with Dr. Farth or threaten to put me away again. This is the one thing that's bringing them back together. Me and my sudden insanity._

_Sometimes I feel like doing what's in my mind. I feel like running amuck, tearing apart everything in my path like a frenzied Bacchante! I want to break glass objects and put holes in the wall. I guess I'm angry…angry that Eli had to die when he was so young. Angry that nobody could have saved him, not even a brain surgeon and angry that the Earth keeps turning with him underneath it! I'm pissed off and nothing I do makes me feel better. I've prayed! I've prayed until my knees were raw from hours being on the carpet! I've talked to the therapist and I've written down my feelings. Things should be getting better but they are not!_

_I went home and my parents were sitting on the couch together…again. They had brochures on the tables and Dr. Farth was in the recliner. They told me to sit down. I placed myself on the loveseat._

"_Clare, we are worried about you. You aren't making any progress and we saw that it's worse than we thought."_

_They pulled out my journal and flipped to some pages I'd written a few nights ago. I meant to write other things down but those two words were of most use to me then. Those two words were the only two that my fingers would allow me to write onto the paper. __**Suicide, Sin?**__ I filled the page up with it and sure, it probably looks like the workings of a person gone mad but it was in my journal and they had no right to rummage through my things!_

"_What in the hell were you doing in my room?"_

"_Clare, don't take that tone with us!"_

"_Why were you rummaging through my things? That journal was my personal belonging!"_

"_Clare we were worried about you!"'_

"_Well don't! There's nothing this prick or any of these fucking looney bins can do to change me or fix me! I'm broken! Clare is broken! Time to ship her off! Time to fucking ship her off because she's not perfect anymore!"_

"_Clare please calm down! Your father and I just worried about you! We love you!"_

"_No you don't! You don't love me anymore!"_

"_We do! Why are you fighting us? Clare you are half the size you used to be! You used to be healthy! We found the empty liquor bottles and cigarette cartons in your room! Why are you trying so hard to kill yourself! Why are you trying so hard put me into Mrs. Goldsworthy's place! I don't want to be a childless mother too Clare! You are my baby! I love you."_

"_Clare, your parents asked me here because we are staging an intervention for you. You need help beyond my practice… These are some nice places that you can receive care in comfortably."_

"_No! No! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

_I ran upstairs and I cried myself to sleep._

_Eli_

_I sat beside Clare, stroking her head and attempting to dry her tears while she cried herself to sleep. Right before she drifted off I whispered in her ear "Be good Clare." She jumped up and looked around. Did she hear me?_

**What did you think? Tell me! Was that too corny for a "ghostly" scene? Reviews please! =D**


	8. Chapter 8

_Adam_

"_Adam honey, I'm scared for you. You know your dad and I love you no matter what size you are but I don't think you are…healthy."_

_ I should have locked the door… during my binge eating fest but I forgot and she walked in on me soothing myself. Potato chips, candy bars, fried chicken, peanut butter, pizza, jelly, pudding, icecream, beef jerky, nacho cheese, soda, juices, cookies and cakes…it doesn't matter to me anymore. They all go in around the same time and they all come out in the porcelain when I've hit my limit. I'm fat now… It's no secret. I can't really blame my mother for being worried about me. This is unhealthy but this feels better… It helps me feel better._

"_Adam I'm taking you to see Dr. Weinberger tomorrow."_

"_Fine mom, whatever."_

"_I just want to make sure you are healthy Adam. You're my baby and I don't want you to have to suffer."_

"_I already am."_

_ My mother left my room and I was about to go to sleep until I got a knock at my window. It was Clare. She's not too fond of using the front door these days. I unlatched the window and the thin, pale, dark haired version of the girl once known as "Saint Clare" climbed in. We are polar opposites in terms of grieving I guess._

"_Clare what is it? You look so….keyed up."_

"_Adam I think something happened."_

"_Like what?"_

"_Like…my parents are trying to send me away, to the crazy house and I went up to my room and I was going to sleep and while I was drifting off I heard Eli."_

"_Clare, maybe your parents are right about this one. You may need to spend a little time in a padded room."_

"_Adam I'm serious! I heard him say 'Clare be good!' I heard him Adam!"_

"_Clare you were probably just dreaming. Sometimes when we are drifting off to sleep our ears play tricks on us."_

"_You really don't believe me?"_

"_I don't believe in ghosts and stuff like that Clare. I'm sorry… How are you?"_

"_Horrible. How are you Fat Albert?"_

"_Ha, that's a good one…I've been eating."_

"_Adam we are so fucked up."_

"_You sure know what to say."_

_ Clare left and I lay back on my bed. I don't want to go to this stupid doctor tomorrow. The only thing he will do is poke me and prod me which will make me even angrier! I will go to appease my mom though; I know she's been really worried about me lately._

_Eli_

_ Clare did hear me! She heard me but because of Adam's lack of faith she might think it was nothing but an auditory memory…Shit! Back to the beginning I guess. Poor Adam, he has to go to the doctor because of his dramatic weight gain. It's really for the best. I don't want him to be sick or get so big they have to lift him with a crane. No happiness can come from that. I understand why he hates the doctor though. I hate them too…in fact this summer is the first time I've been to one since I was around eleven._

It was a typical day. I went over to Clare's house. She gave me the spare key so that I could just come on in after he parents left for work. This morning though, she wasn't downstairs flipping pancakes or making waffles. She was in the bathroom throwing up and doing other things.

"Clare? Are you okay?"

"I think I have a stomach virus…. I'm vomiting from my mouth and my ass! Why do things have to be so hard?"

"Look you just…don't move. I will be back with some stuff."

I went to the store and I bought stuff to soothe her stomach and calm her bubbling guts. I bought stuff to stop the throwing up too. I bought soups, jello, popsicles, Gatorade, ginger ale, and tissue paper… She might need a lot of it.

When I got back she lying in bed shivering. I took her temperature. She was burning up! I didn't get anything for a fever. I gave her the stuff to soothe her stomach. I don't know if I was supposed to mix the medicines or not, but these are desperate times. It helped a little. The diarrhea and vomiting slowed down and she went to sleep. I took that time to disinfect the area. There wasn't a big mess but area did smell like someone had been sick in it. Lysol became my best friend.

Clare was able to get some rest and eat a few jello cups before the sickness restarted. I made her drink water to keep her from getting dehydrated but she wasn't happy about it… After the bulk of the day passed she vomited less and less even without the medicine and the diarrhea stopped altogether. I guess this was a twenty four hour bug. When she promised she'd be okay for the night I went home. I took a shower and I went to bed only to be woken up at about three in the morning.

Now I was the one shitting and vomiting simultaneously. My mother came into the bathroom. I tried putting a towel over myself to cover up.

"Mom!"

"Eli I've seen it all before. I used to change your little diapers remember? You are running a fever. I'm taking you to Dr. Woodbury tomorrow."

I didn't object. Why didn't I take Clare to a doctor? Because I'm an idiot. When the sun rose I found some pants and a shirt to put on. I had to go without underwear because there weren't any clean ones left…. It was that bad. I can't believe I'm still coming to a pediatrician. I know they see people up until age twenty one but the little painted rainbows and bunny rabbits on the walls make me ashamed to be here. There was only me, with my mom and then this other little kid. He wiped his nose with his sleeve.

"What are you here for?"

"Stomach flu."

"Oh, I had that last week… They'll give you a sticker."

"I don't need a sticker."

"You look like a grownup."

"I am."

"Then what are you doing here?"

"I don't know."

"Elijah Goldsworthy! Come on back! You've gotten so big. It's been a while."

My mom and I went back. Luckily I didn't have to take off my clothes. They simply got my symptoms and then the dreaded part came. I knew the doctor was a bad idea.

"Now Eli we are going to have to take some blood."

"What! No! I don't want a shot!"'

"Eli it's not a shot! You are sixteen!"

"I don't want a shot Mom!"

"They have to do this to find out what's wrong baby… Be still and look at me."

I held my mom's hand while the stabbed me in the arm and drew out blood. These monsters! No wonder why I haven't come to the doctor in so long. They are complete savages with the human body! When it was all over I got a SpongeBob band aid, a Power Rangers sticker and a sucker. I was determined not to leave empty handed after that stunt they pulled.

"Mom."

"Yeah baby?"

"Don't tell Clare or Adam that I wimped out like this."

"Sure thing honey."

Turns out I did only have the stomach flu. The doctor gave me some medicines to make the symptoms cease while my system fought off the virus. I took the first round, had some chicken broth and I went to sleep after I texted Clare. She offered to come over but I didn't want her to get sick again. I looked down at my arm where they poked me. It still hurts…stupid lab techs.

_ I miss living. I miss experiencing things; especially things that make me look back on them and laugh. I left Adam but I didn't go to Clare's or my old room. I just wandered and I watched all the living people… living. The couples who were kissing and the boys who were fighting. The friends out on this lovely fall night laughing and eating. That was once me, with my friends, that was once me kissing Clare's sweet lips and taking in her intoxicating Vanilla body spray. Sometimes I wonder if this hell. Having to watch the people you love suffer, having to watch the world go on and the seasons change while you feel your body rotting under cold dirt with maggots. I miss being flesh and blood. It sucks to be dead like me._

**Drop a review please peeps! =D**


	9. Chapter 9

_Clare_

_ Everyone says that even if Eli had gone to a doctor he probably wouldn't have made it. Would it have hurt to even try though? Since my parents have been threatening to ship me off I've toned down a little. I pretend to eat. I don't drink as much and instead of crying… I write more things down. What if Eli could have been saved? It brings me back to our last day together._

"What do you want to do today Clare?"

"The waterfall would be nice Eli…"

"You really like that place huh?"

"Eli it's where you made me a woman…I love it."

"What an interesting way of putting it."

"What'd you expect me to say? That's the place you popped my cherry…"

"Yes. If you want to go there though…that's where we will go."

We hopped into Eli's hearse and we went to our destination. I cuddled up close to him and he looked down at me suspiciously before cracking a smile. I guess I'm just in the mood to be all mushy. We got to the waterfall and I jumped in, clothes on and all. Eli followed but I noticed he was slow moving.

"What's wrong slow poke? Those joints rusting up?"

"Just a headache."

"Oh… Are you okay?"

"Just a migraine babe. I'm fine."

"I know you're fine… I asked if you were okay."

"You think you are real funny don't you?"

"Well I know my way around a joke."

"Clare, I love you."

"I love you too."

Instead of going swimming we sat on the rocks beside the water and we enjoyed being in nature. The flowing of the water into the pond was relaxing to listen to.

"So Clare, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Really? You are asking me that?"

"Yes… Refresh me. Is it an astronaut now?"

"Ha, funny…I prefer to let you guess."

"Oh the reason I'm asking is because I wanna know if you'll make enough money for me to be a stay at home husband."

"Eli you are a mess."

"No Clare… I'm starting a revolution. Breaking double standards one day at a time."

Eli and I stayed at the place of tranquility for a while but I knew he was in pain. Every time he forgot and let the sun hit his eyes, he winced in pain. I convinced him to let me drive Morty to his place. He did and I got him to his room. I gave him some pain pills and I kissed him goodbye. I promised to see him the next night…

The next day I had lunch with Alli. I told her how wonderful Eli was and how happy I was. She was having issues moving on from Drew but knowing Alli those issues will fade when the next guy appears.

"Clare you are so lucky. Why can't the guys I have sex with ever turn out to be this awesome?"

"I don't know. Maybe I just got lucky."

"Yeah you did. He listens to you. He loves you…He likes you….You've hit the jackpot."

"Tell me about it… Alli I don't think I've ever felt this… certain or content of anything except my religion in my entire life. I never believed in soul mates but…"

"Clare! You think he's your…soul mate?"

"Yes!"

"Well where is the wedding registry?"

"Oh stop it Alli! We are too young for all that right now…Wait until my senior year of college."

"I call dibs on the champagne flutes when you make a registry."

"Sure thing Alli… Sure thing."

After lunch with Alli I texted Eli to see if he was feeling better… There was no answer. I went over to his house to see if I needed to doctor on him today… That's when I saw it. An ambulance was in front of the house. Cece and Bullfrog were crying. Neighbors were watching and there was a stretcher with a body bag on it… I'm sure… This can't be what I think it is. I stood across the street frozen. I was afraid to go across and face that truth. The damn ugly truth. I went to Cece and she looked at me, teary eyed with mascara running down her cheeks…

"Eli is dead Clare."

"What do you mean?"

"He's gone…"

I couldn't comprehend the words. Those three words didn't go together in any language. That sentence didn't make any sense to me. I tried rearranging to words in my mind. Maybe Cece was trying to say something else. Surely she can't be saying what I fear she is saying… She can't be telling me that.

I stood there unable to speak or move. I saw Adam down the street on his bike. He pedaled up slowly confused…just as confused as I was before I heard that dreaded combination of words. He threw his bike down in the grass and he walked over to me.

"Clare, what happened? What is going on?"

"He's gone Adam…just gone."

"Who is gone?"

"Eli."

"Gone where? To visit his aunt in Japan?"

"No. He's dead."

"Clare you aren't making any sense."

"Dead…"

Adam squatted and lowered his head. He was trying to stop that feeling I guess. That feeling of the earth going faster than the speed of light while you are trying to keep your feet planted on the ground. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck but still standing. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't move out of this spot. The ambulance left and Bullfrog helped Cece into the car. I didn't feel my legs moving out of the way of his car but somehow I was standing in the grass out of the way… It's like I'd been hit with a ray of confusion and insanity… The ambulance went down the street and so did Cece and Bullfrog. That's when it really hit me. Eli was dead!

I threw up in the grass and I noticed Adam was still squatting. Now he was covering his ears and rocking too. He muttered something but I couldn't make it out…. Cece and Bullfrog let us be involved in planning Eli's funeral since we were so close to him. Seeing him in that casket the first time threw me…it threw me hard. He looked like Eli but not quite. There was no cocky, crooked smile on his face, no color in his cheeks and his piercing green eyes weren't visible to read the world anymore. A damn brain aneurysm is what the doctors say it was.

The wake was like a bad dream. Eli was lying up there. People were looking at him and discussing what a good job the funeral home did. I didn't know what to feel except anger and sorrow. Those were the only two emotions that registered in my mind… Then the day came and I had to say my final goodbye to Eli. Everything seemed to be in fast forward until that point… I knew that was reality. It was too real for me. I wanted the fairy tale of the summer and the days before where Eli was here with me…with us. I wanted Eli.

_ I guess we can't always have what we want…_

**Thoughts, questions, comments or concerns?**


	10. Chapter 10

_Clare_

_ The waterfall was where I needed to go. Though the fall wind is chilly I need to feel the water on my skin. I need to feel that rushing coolness all over my body. I need something else to remind me of Eli… I drove to the spot and I walked into the water slowly. There was no getting used to it. It was icy. I started to shiver almost instantly but I didn't care. I got under the cascade and it washed over me, making me feel like I was being cut. Cut by the cold I guess… I dipped my head under the stream. I held my breath as long as I could and I still didn't rise because I couldn't. It seemed like even standing up done nothing. I was still underwater. Almost like someone was holding me there. I started to fight, kicking and trying to scream only to have my lungs fill up with the icy water. It started to feel like there was no hope…._

** I woke up coughing and gasping for air. There was a tube down my throat. It hurt and made my throat sore. I looked around. I was in the hospital… My mother was by my bed and Eli was in a chair in the corner of the room. I pulled the tube from my throat and I coughed louder, fully… My mother and Eli both jumped and came over to me. They buzzed the nurse…**

"**Well, she's finally awake."**

"**My throat hurts."**

"**Breathing tubes usually have that affect on people."**

"**What happened?"**

"**You've been out for three days."**

"**Why?"**

** They looked at Eli. Tears filled his perfectly green eyes. He grabbed my hand and he kissed it as he told me what happened to me. It all started to come back to me… We went to that waterfall even though it was cloudy. It started to rain and we were going to leave but the roads were flooded, the entire area was flooded, it just so happened that we were under flash flood warning. He tried to drive over the rushing water but the car got carried away…He was able to get out but I couldn't… not in time… The last thing I remember before waking up here was Eli banging on the windows trying to free me.**

"**Clare I'm so sorry. I should have looked to see if you were out before I got out..."**

"**Eli don't fret. I don't blame you. We would have both died then...but we are both alive."**

"**Clare we are so glad you are okay. You dad and I have been worried sick. He was here but he went to get me a change of clothes and some food…"**

"**You two are speaking?"**

"**Well…daddy and I realized that there may be more love left between us than we originally thought. We are working it out."**

"**That's great mom."**

** Things settled down and I began to think about the dreams I had while I was knocked out. These horrible nightmares. Eli was dead…Eli was a ghost. I was an alcoholic. Adam was a binge eater! Just horrid dreams… They were so vivid though. They were also very detailed. So detailed in fact that I thought they were real! It seemed like I was living that life.**

** My mom left the room for a second. Eli came over to the hospital bed and he went to kiss me. I moved away because I knew my lips were probably too chapped. He looked at me with a puzzled expression on his face.**

"**No kiss?"**

"**Not until I get some chap stick mister…"**

"**Okay… Why do you look so sad?"**

"**Oh no reason. I'm happy, I was just thinking about the dream I had…it was horrible."**

"**Well what was it?"**

"**You died of a brain aneurysm and Adam and I were trying to cope so he started binge eating and I became alcoholic and your spirit was around but all depressed-like."**

"**Now I know why you couldn't get out of the car. You were high on mushrooms before you went out like a light for three days."**

"**Eli that's not funny! That dream was so real."**

"**Well we are both alive… Trust me if anything was wrong with me they would've found it by now because they checked me out from head to toe."**

"**Did we miss school?"**

"**No, we still have a week."**

"**Oh… Did I get drunk this summer and flash a crowd or was that part of the dream?"**

"**No that was all you… If you need another reminder… We made love this summer, we danced this summer, we almost became porn stars this summer, and we spent tons of time at that waterfall even though it tried to kill us in the end…"**

"**Oh. It's coming back to me now. So Adam isn't huge?"**

"**No. he's just as slender as he's always been."**

"**Cool…So what happened to Morty?"**

"**He's fine. I had to pay to get pulled out of the mud, pressure washed, repainted and I had to have him aired out but… he's okay. He's missed you… he was concerned about you."**

"**I'll bet he was."**

**Eli**

** Clare did have a weird dream. Me, dying and coming back as a ghost is pure madness. Not that I can't die I just don't feel like my time is right now. I think when you are about to die you will be able to sense it. Even when I was near drowning I knew it wasn't my time. I did almost lose Clare though. The car was pushed to the side by the water after I busted out the window to free her. She wasn't moving. I gave her CPR and she coughed up the water but she was still unconscious. I carried her three miles in the rain and I had to go towards an unfamiliar town because the road was flooded the way we came. I was starting to think they'd find me with Clare's corpse until a police officer passed by us. I flagged him down and he got us to the nearest hospital. They started working to try and get Clare back, now she was suffering from hypothermia and she started flat lining. They had to shock her three times to get her heart beating again. I was about to lose it. I thought she was going to die.**

** I couldn't even imagine my life without Clare. A world without her isn't a world I want to live in. Not to mention how crazy it would make me seem if two of my girlfriends died. Getting over Julia or trying to at least, was hard enough. Losing Clare would have been unimaginable.**

**Adam**

** I breathed a sigh of relief when Eli called and told me that Clare was awake and she was okay, though the dream he said she had was peculiar. The only reason I wasn't with them that night is because I was grounded for coming home drunk. No telling how the story would have ended had Eli been trying to save both me and Clare. When day came I went to the hospital to visit. Clare's mom and dad were stepping out of the room and holding hands. I guess sometimes bad situations bring people back together….**

"**Clare, glad to see you are in the land of the living. Now what the fuck was up with that coma dream?"**

"**I wasn't in a coma Adam, I was just asleep for a few days. Right Eli?"**

"**Yup."**

"**Either way, it's good to see you talking and moving again. Things wouldn't be the same without Saint Clare to keep everything in order and sin-free."**

"**Hey I'm not a saint anymore, remember?"**

"**Oh yeah. I forgot that Eli turned you into a sinner."**

"**He corrupted me."**

"**Guilty!"**

**Clare**

** Though I still have to stay in this hospital for a few days things won't be that unbearable with Eli by my side. He's always been affectionate but now he's kissing me every few minutes and hugging me too. I'm enjoying the attention though. It makes me feel loved.**

** That dream has made me realize how lucky I am to have a guy like Eli. He's sweet, caring, passionate, interesting and romantic. He's just for me and now that I've seen what losing him would look like while I was knocked out… I will never take that for granted. For the time being we are alive, together and in love…which is how it should be.**

The End!

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